1.) The Stalker - This is the guy/gal that obsessively reads their "friends" Twitter/Facebook feeds to find out what they've been doing/eating/drinking/talking about, to see if they are missing anything that COULD possibly be about them, and/or to find out if there is some event that they weren't invited to or @reply included in. On average it takes them an average of 100 clicks of the MORE button to compile all of the stalker facts that they need. (Reeee-Reeee-Reeee) How do you identify the stalker? If you notice that they make mention of a conversation you had EONS ago on Twitter or Facebook before you had even added them, or that they weren't even a part of...ummm yeah, they just might be a stalker (RUN!)
2.) The All Talker - This person goes on and on and on and on and on about "Best Practices in _________Business", and is always telling you WHO you should be following (because their authority is all-knowing). They generally have a ton of "Titles" or company links as to impress you with their entrepreneurial "biz-naz sense", and they have an unusual obsession with cheap hair products. These peeps are often mistaken as car sales people IRL.
3.) The Aggro Tweeter - Also known as the "Bully". This person often speaks in ALL CAPS and uses foul language unapologetically. They are always ranting or overreacting over something (usually of little importance), and they have no problems calling out users they think are beneath them. Their followers are utterly afraid of them and are commonly referred to as their minions. You may need a 12 Step Program to successfully unfollow this aggro tool.
5.) The Insomniac - This is the crack addict that you can count on to entertain you at 3am when you can't get back to sleep after having a middle of the night pee session. These peeps are all revved up and full of conversation about life, love & music...thankfully you cannot see their powdery noses and non-stop jittery legs underneath the desk because it's the Internet. A sure fire way to identify these cats: Try to reach them at 2pm in the afternoon, you won't be able to...they are almost GUARANTEED to be asleep (finally). 6.) The God Complexer - This noble creature spends their entire day lecturing the rest of the Twitterverse about the principles of love, humanity and good deeds. They have a zillion followers (also known as disciples) that obediently RT all of their quotes from Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Chinese Proverbs, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Rumi, Deepak Chopra, Oprah Winfrey, Lao Tzu, and Martin Luther King Jr. (They rarely have anything to say on their own, other than THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH...) Their secret dream is to buy real estate in the middle of the sticks so they can build a compound for all of their loyal Twitter followers to come and worship them. (Twemple of Doom anyone?) 7.) The Puppet - This spineless Twitterer NEVER has anything original to say and if you look at their profile it is pretty much a million RT's all in a row, followed by a gazillion #FF suggestions of all the people they already RT'd. They usually have an altered sense of smell due to the fact that their nose has spent WAY too much time up the booty of their favorite Twitter idols. ;) 8.) The Fake ID'er - This is the underage kid that constantly engages in conversations with "Party People" trying to pretend like he/she can hang. You'll often see them saying things like "Yeah, let's party this weekend...I'll be there with some booze homey", or "Damn baby, you're so sexxxy...you should be MY woman, the things "I" would do to you..uhhhh!" and then the next morning you notice that they've checked into their high school on @FourSquare. 9.) The Bwaaaaaker - This is the person that smiles to every one's face and then locks themselves in their room for hours on end, to passive aggressively tweet bash all of the people they just pretended to be friends with. They love to rally the support of their online community to gather a sense of support over their twisted notions (because they are too chicken to face their problems head on), and when the people they are referring to ask if everything is OK, they always smile and say "Yes, everything is great...why do you ask?" These people usually carry kitchen knives in their purses or up their jacket sleeves and they have an unusual amount of @FourSquare check-ins at coffee shops. 10.) The Constipator - This is the person whose tweet stream is so boring and conservative that their page is often used in sleep studies to get patients to enter into REM cycle. All their tweets ever consist of are business quotes, stock option advice, links to business quotes about stock option advice and normally their profile pic looks like the poster child for an Ex-Lax commercial . They are incredibly appalled by "kids these days" and always have protected tweets to ensure their privacy. (Yeah, because sooooo many people want to get all up in THAT...ha, I think NOT!)
Original content written by: @StaceySoleil
Photo Compliments of: http://www.islandnet.com/
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